Verbal Abuse: the Invisible Weapon by Laura Wilkinson

Every day we hear of court cases that involve men who have either killed or maimed their wives. At the worst, they have beaten them to death, stabbed or shot them, or at the least, they have inflicted bruises and broken bones. That is what is known as physical abuse. It is very common, and is becoming more publicized every day. There are movies made on the topic, and laws designed to protect the victims. This is the abuse that you can actually see.

What I want to talk about is the abuse that you don’t see. It is called emotional, mental, or verbal abuse. It is just as bad, or perhaps worse, than physical abuse. This abuse chips away at the very essence of a person. This abuse makes the victim believe there is no hope for any better life. This abuse is not readily visible. There are no bruises, no broken bones, and no Band-Aids. There are few, if any, laws designed to protect the victim. Many times, the victim feels she must have done something to deserve the hurt, and no one tells her differently. The pain inflicted by this type of abuse causes much more damage than fists, and it takes much longer to recover from verbal abuse. The woman who is suffering from verbal abuse is not so easily recognized. She is the one who appears to be trying very hard to please her mate, or makes excuses for the embarrassing moments, or explains time after time why they are late, or why they inexplicably just didn’t show up. This woman may have a very tired or sad or wary expression on her face, and she looks as though she is waiting for something terrible to happen. She has learned that something terrible may very well be right around the next corner.

Verbal abuse is sneaky. Most of the time it affects women, but it is also experienced by men. Most of the time it goes on behind closed doors, with the abuser having a much different face in public. To his friends and co-workers he will seem to be Mr. Congeniality. He may be very suave and very friendly. However, once he gets home to his wife, he becomes a totally different man. He becomes manipulative, controlling, and hateful. He will put her down and make fun of her in the name of “just joking;” he will ridicule her dreams and tell her she’s not worth it. Then when she thinks it can’t get any worse, he turns back into Mr. Congeniality, and she thinks everything will be fine. She lets her guard down, and then suddenly he snaps back into the bad guy when she least expects it. Day after day, he will criticize her housekeeping, her cooking, her parenting. Slowly but surely, she will come to believe his lies. She will eventually begin to think that she is all that he says and more. This is verbal abuse.

Fortunately, there is a way to fight it. Once the victim begins to see the abuse, when she begins to recognize the abuse for what it is, when she realizes that he is simply putting her down to cover his own insecurities, she will then have the ability to fight the lies. She will have the ability to learn to refuse to accept his hurting words. She will have the ability to learn to say, “NO. You can’t say that to or about me.” By doing so, she will find that he is basically a schoolyard bully who only picks on those who are smaller than he is (notice I did not use the word "weaker." I don't think a woman is weak in this situation, which I will explain later).

I was verbally abused. For fourteen years I was married to a man who berated me daily, told me I was too old to go back to school and earn a degree, too fat to get a job, too stupid to raise our children “right,” too lazy to clean the house and do the laundry, and on and on. I learned to refuse to accept his lies. I learned to tune out his hurtful words. I want to share those techniques with you, and give you resources to find the ways to break free from the abuse that you or someone you know and love are suffering. I was able to get out of the situation and today I am strong and independent.

Most of what I will share with you initially is information that I learned from reading several books that I will tell you about. I will give you ways to respond to him that will eventually take back what he has taken from you; this is something I call your “self.” When you learn that he is saying these things only because he wants to have “power over” you, that he wants to take away what is called your “personal power,” you will find yourself hungry to hear more, read more, learn more. And you will suddenly realize that you are angry, not only with him for inflicting this pain upon you, but also angry with yourself for allowing it to happen. I will show you how to use your anger effectively, to turn it into your friend, and to make it help you break free.

Please visit me again as I guide you through this process. Yes, it is painful. It is painful to suddenly realize that the man who says he loves you actually has no concept of love. It is painful to learn that you have lost those months and years to his nonsense, but it is wonderful to learn that you have so much ahead of you. It is wonderful to learn that you are worth so much and that you have so much to share with the world. I hope you join me. May you have peace.

Laura Wilkinson: At "37-again," I am happily divorced from an abuser and living with a wonderful, loving man who loves me and would never do those horrible things to me. I try every day to help others out of their abusive situations by telling my story and showing them that no matter what they have been told, they CAN survive outside the relationship, that they DO NOT have to accept abuse, and that they DO deserve to be loved and respected.  Laura is the contributing Editor of "Verbal/Emotional Abuse" at Suite101.com.

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