Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

by Heike Boehnke-Sharp

This morning I was on my weekly call with my Grandmother in Germany. She is getting older, and has just undergone heart surgery. Bless her, she is in good health, and looks like she is 60 instead of 84! As so often, I try to convince her to get on a plane and come stay with me so that my children get the benefit of being around their “Oma-Oma”. 

We talked about the family, the kids, how Benjamin is so huge, etc. etc. All the while, I am sitting on my patio, drinking a cup of coffee and smoking a cigarette. A bad habit I kicked, but keep falling back on occasionally. (Yes, I really am an occasional smoker!). 

Then my Oma says “Do you remember so-so (a friend of the family) who was here with her little daughter when you visited?” Of course I remember. She is the same age as I am; our girls were only a few months apart, we were both new moms with a lot to talk about. 

“Yes, of course! How is she? Didn’t she just have another baby too?” I asked. “Yes, she did. She also just had her breast removed because it was riddled with cancer, and now she is having surgery on her intestine.” Says my Oma sadly.

 I am shocked, and feel sick to my stomach. I also immediately put out my cigarette. We exchange goodbyes, and I sit on my patio and ponder.

 I am healthy, as far as I know. My body is not my temple, since I smoke “occasionally”, don’t eat 100% healthy, and am just now going back to the gym because they are billing me! My children are both healthy, and I am endlessly grateful for that. So why do I play with fate? Why don’t I exercise, get enough sleep, do NOT pollute my body, and caress my health the way I should? 

Maybe it is for the same reason I did not back up my computer files on a regular basis until a virus recently wiped out my whole computer, including ALL my files, and I was left with nothing, zilch. Do we need something to happen to us, close to home, a warning that is irreparable? All I told myself in the 4 weeks it took me to piece together my work, still crying over lost files, articles, and stories “If I WOULD have only backed up my work.” My friends were saying, “You know you SHOULD have backed up your files!” “You COULD have saved yourself so much frustration!”. Shoulda, woulda, coulda…but lost is lost, and the past can’t be turned around.

 I think we tend to take health and good fortune for granted, until it is taken away. Or, when it is taken away, we are shocked for a moment, but if we are lucky enough to get it back, we forget again. I am still sick to my stomach after the news of a woman who is JUST LIKE ME losing her breast to cancer. I can’t imagine the fear she is living with that maybe the cancer will take her life, leaving her children motherless. I actually threw my cigarettes away, took a vitamin, and swore I would go the gym…but how long will this resolution last? Until my queasiness goes away?