My Husband~The Sex Object

by H. Boehnke-Sharp

 This morning when my husband returned from his first night at a new job, he came to give me a kiss and let me know he was home safe. You would think he would just say “good night, I am here”…but no. He says: “Man, those women in there are crazy! Grabbing me on my ass and rubbing up against me!” Just what a woman, 38 weeks pregnant and ready to burst any minute wants to hear, right? I jolt up, look at him, and start to burst out laughing. “Welcome to the world of night clubs!”

 You see, my husband is now doing Security a few nights a week at a hotel nightclub. Security and bouncers at these clubs often have “celebrity status”, being empowered to choose who “gets in” and who doesn’t. Their authority seems to awaken women’s dreams of “men in uniform”, and they even have their own groupies that hang out by the doors. I worked in nightclubs for many years when I was younger, and remember this scene too well.

 What I also remember is the groping and grabbing, and the many beers that “accidentally” slipped out of my hands. I may have looked like a stupid klutz, but that way I got rid of at least one idiot for the night. You just don’t look too macho with a big WET stain on the front of your pants! Women, who work in clubs, even if they are tame, go through the grabbing, pressing, squeezing, etc game all the time. You have your regulars, who are there all the time, and feel that you are free bait if they have seen you there three times or more. Never mind that you are just doing your job! Now if you persevere at one club for a while, you may actually gain some respect and only have to whip the “rookies” in shape every once in a while. Or you have seniority and become a bartender! 

Now let me tell you, ladies: For some odd reason the “stronger” gender is always briefed when starting out at the nightclubs. They are actually told that the women will be throwing themselves at them (are we desperate??), and to keep it professional. Luckily, the clubs I worked at were very professional and briefed me too, letting me know which bouncer to summon when things got out of hand. But I always seemed to invoke “big brother” feelings in our bouncers, and they were right by my side.. I don’t see that happening with my husband….

 I must say, I do have a beautiful husband, and I am sure after the first shock wears off, he will learn how to handle the adoration.  I must also admit, I am a bit jealous and was contemplating taking my big belly to the club and spreading the word HE IS MINE…looking is fine, but please DO NOT TOUCH!! (Of course, I will never do that. Just a note to my panicking friends!)

So tonight as he walked out the door for another night of butt patting, I brushed over his black pants and said, "Maybe they were just trying to get the white dog hair off your ass?!"

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