Open Yourself to Real Love 

By M. Golden 

My mother in her infinite wisdom said something once that struck me. She was talking to a friend who desperately needed a job, something new in her life. She told her that she had to make room in her life for new things and experiences. In other words, you have to do some spring cleaning, both physically and emotionally, before your heart is open for a fresh start. Once you do that, the universe brings you what you need, be it material or spiritual. This idea has stayed with me because it mirrors my experience; I knew it to be true the moment I heard it. 

During and after college, I was in a series of bad relationships, the last one dragging on for over five years. It was very rocky, and during one particularly hurtful breakup in which the man I chose to be with said to me, "How am I ever going to find the woman of my dreams if I'm with you?" I joined the Peace Corps. I knew I had to finally break free, do something just for myself, something I had always wanted to do. Of course, joining the Peace Corps isn't an entirely selfish act - it does require some altruism – but at the time it felt very freeing to finally, truly let go. I wanted to move away to where he couldn’t win me back with false promises and sweet words. So, I left. 

What I had wanted from him was a commitment. No, let me restate that. What I wanted was love and a commitment from someone who was capable of a mature relationship, and I hoped he would become that person. I wanted to be mature myself and able to love someone in a healthy way. Yet somehow, I really thought we'd stay together, and I was faithful to him as I’d always been, knowing deep in my heart that he wasn't. He flew overseas to visit me in the first six months of my service, and I thought that made everything all right. 

A couple months later on NY's Eve, I called him from Italy where I'd traveled on a short vacation, and he asked if I'd met anyone there. I told him no, of course not, I wasn’t looking. And he said, “Well, you know, you should do whatever you need to do.” I said, “You mean you're doing what you want to do, so you don't want to feel guilty about me being faithful to you over here.” I resolved after that call to end it somehow and told him never to call me again.  

He did, of course, because that was the pattern we had developed for our interactions, but I'd already started to grow away in my heart. I remember sitting down one lonely evening in my bedroom not long after the New Year began. I finally found the courage to be honest with myself about this man and decided to write down all the things I wanted – needed - in a life partner. Then I looked carefully at that list and realized that out of about 20 qualities I'd written, he fit only two. Two. I prayed that the man of my dreams was out there somewhere, though I didn't really believe it. Still, I resolved to try to stop compromising, to allow myself to dream about someone, something better. 

The following summer I went home to the U.S. for a month, and he again came to visit. I hoped this was a sign that he was turning around. His letters had been so loving and supportive. So I tried again to bring up the subject of our future, what we would do, where we would live in a year after I got out of the Peace Corps. He said to me, "You don't know how you're going to feel in a year." I thought, you know, if I don't know by now...how the hell could he say that? I knew that what he really meant was that he didn't know how he would feel in a year; he wanted to leave his options open. I told him he was going to lose me. And he did. 

Not two months after returning overseas I met my future husband, and I knew instantly that he was the one. It was as if the man I'd described on paper that night less than a year before had materialized into real life. I'd created him, drawn him to me from the universe. He embodies all but one of the things I'd written down. In my naivete I'd written down that I desired my mate to be very close in age to me. My husband is 18 years older, and we were made for each other.

 I wanted to stay in that terrible relationship for the longest time, and I was willing to take so much abuse. I was at a stage of growth where I needed to learn how to differentiate between love and obsession; I needed to learn how to walk away and make room in my life. Once I had the courage to let go and dream, I was able to draw more positive to me.

 The key is that you must truly be ready. It can take years before we are open to the painful honesty that will allow us to see ourselves from the outside, to stop compromising and ask for what we need in our heart of hearts. What’s holding you back in your life? Let go and start your journey today. You can only imagine what’s waiting for you!