Mom's Beauty

Mom’s Beauty Secrets

By Lucy Watkins

I can’t even begin to count the number of times seemingly envious women have approached asking me how I get and maintain my all natural style. With a toss of my hair and a knowing smile, I tell them, “It’s me in all my natural glory.” Admittedly, that’s not the complete truth. This look of mine does take some work but it’s my secret. I dare not share it with just anyone.

The following information is highly classified. Please, in order to keep these beauty secrets to ourselves, do not share the information with anyone outside of the Goddess in the Groove family. The last thing any of us wants is for such volatile information to hit the unarmed public. It could send our society into a mating frenzy.

The key to lustrous, shining hair:

No need to run out and buy any of those high dollar salon products. In fact, the trick is to do just the opposite. Yes. Neglect your hair and you, too, can achieve the enviable, sexy pioneer look. The trick is, while the girls take that rare nap together, I shower. I don’t overdo it though; once a week is more than enough. The benefits are many fold. Not only does this strategy save on the costs of water, soap, shampoo, and conditioner, it also gives me glossy hair that will hold any style, especially later in the week. I just brush it; let it air dry, and go about the day. There’s really nothing to it. For those of you who like a little change, you can also add natural-looking highlights by lightly sprinkling baby powder at the roots. Not only does this soften the otherwise molded look of your hairdo, it also adds the delicate fragrance of a baby’s behind. If you prefer the founding father’s style, dump that powder on and style. The naturally occurring moisture from the previous week will have a chemical reaction with the powder creating the same coiffed, powdered look of British Parliament.

The key to a great cut:

Thanks to the magical workings of Colleen at Cool Cuts4kids, my stylish cut is the talk of this small town. Not only does she get the bangs just right, she can fix what the pretty little man at Great Clips messed up. Just a mist of water here and there; a snip snip; dust off the clippings and I’m done. 5 minutes tops! All the while, the girls play trains and watch a video.

My favorite beauty secret, however, is the missing chunk of hair in the back. This is truly a daring fashion statement. It takes courage to be so bold and I am one courageous woman. If this is too bold a step for you, then try this less daring but nearly as effective treatment. Using a plain rubber band, put your hair up in a very tight ponytail. Always make sure to overstress the rubber band and don’t waste your time on those covered pony tail holders. They don’t do the job nearly as well as the band off the morning newspaper. Wear your hair like this all week. The rubber band works much like a stylist chipping away and breaking hairs on the back of your head. This will create a stylish backdo and make you the envy of all your friends and neighbors. They’ll be whispering behind your back that they are certain they saw Jose Eber’s limo in your driveway.

The key to natural looking make up:

This is a trick known by only a select few women who have the courage and fashion sense to give it a try. It’s a trade secret. The trick, don’t wear any make up except a little cherry Chapstick or berry Terratints. This creates a beautiful natural look. Keeping up the regular, weekly shower also adds a brilliant shine to your face. Who needs colored contacts when you can easily make the color of your eyes pop with the redness from a lack of sleep? For deep cherry red lips…..just take advantage of that daily frustration, too much sun, and dehydration. It works like a charm and saves you money if Chapstick isn’t in your budget.

The key to a natural looking bust line:

I only learned of this trick after gaining weight during pregnancy, experiencing the initial engorgement, and because I never really have understood the numbers and letters on bra sizes. The trick to this natural look: no bra. While those perky breasted virgins spend a week’s pay at Victoria’s secret, I just go braless. The bouncing breasts around my waistline add shape and interest to an otherwise boring figure.

How to get rid of panty lines:

Thong underwear? No. Not for this full-figured mother. Instead, oversight has rid me of those nasty panty lines. That’s it. Just being overwhelmed first thing in the morning and forgetting to put on underwear can help you control your panty lines, too.

Creating that special fragrance:

Here again, this little secret is passed down only after giving birth. You see, it’s a mélange of fragrances combined to give one a subtle while still powerful scent. The combination of laundry detergent, dish washing liquid, a week of running around after the children, washing pets, regular workouts, and gardening create the air of natural essence. The greatest benefits of using this fragrance are that you rarely end up waiting in line for the cashier and mall crowds disperse while you shop. I always get the fastest service when I wear eau de overworked mommy. It really is the supreme eau de toilet.

Retro fashions:

That’s right. Retro is in and I am the queen of it. No. I’m not talking about the update recreation of 60s and 70s styles. I’m talking 80s and 90s, the clothes of years gone by. They are a little frayed and tight, but that only adds to the retro feel of each ensemble. While my kids run around in hip, new fashions, I sit back and enjoy the rayon and poly blends of the Reagan era. I can’t even count the number of times a sad, uninspired, 21^st century-styled mother has approached me in the park saying, “Wow! I had a shirt just like that in high school.” Yep. That’s right, baby. And you threw it out? They say fashions always come back in style. I know I’m ahead of the times. Give it 10 more years and you gals will be drooling over my big shirt and small gold belt!!

Hourglass figure:

It’s so hard to maintain an hour glass figure after giving birth. Use these special tips and you’ll never have that problem again. Hour glasses are truly outdated. Technology is in. Today’s hour glass is a clock and clocks come in all shapes and sizes. My husband has a triangular clock on his nightstand and I have a round one. If I add another circle to the top of that clock for my head I get my 21^st century hourglass figure. Some people might call it an apple-shaped figure. What’s wrong with that? Apples are lovely fruits. I’d rather be sweet and crunchy, juices flowing when bitten, and have seedy core rather than a bunch of coarse sand running from my head to my toes. Hour glasses break, the sand scatters, and they are of no more use to us. Apples only bruise. They taste great even with a few dark spots and dimples. Like my husband always says, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”

Being a natural momma isn’t that difficult. The hardest part is breaking the old habits and stepping away from mainstream fashion. This is about inspiration, accommodation, perspiration, and alterations. It’s about knowing the woman within is still there no matter what is on the outside.

Stay tuned next month, when Lucy the Fashion Diva explains “Nudity as formal wear.”