The book that set me FREE! by Laura Wilkinson

The name of this wonderful book is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and the author's name is Patricia Evans. Click on her name to go to her site for her bio, but I can tell you that whatever it says is not enough. This woman is as close to being my guiding angel as anyone I know, and I can only hope that one day I will be able to give her a hug and thank her for her freeing words. In lieu of that, I can share her words with you, in hopes that you too will learn from them, as I did.

It's hard to decide where to start. There are so many things in the book that are directly applicable to Verbal Abuse that it's spooky. In fact, as I was reading it I said to myself (and have said to others since) "She must have been looking in my windows while she wrote this!" It's that accurate. I challenge you to read it and you'll say the same thing.

The main point of her book is to show the victim how to recognize abuse for what it is and how to respond to it in a new way to break the cycle. For example, when he comes in and says "you've done nothing all day, I can tell," what is your first response? "YES I HAVE" then you proceed to list exactly what you did do. And it all falls on deaf ears. Mrs. Evans would say the new response would be, "I don't have to listen to this." Period. Don't argue, don't deny, don't confirm. Just that, "I don't have to listen to this," the end. Okay so it doesn't answer his question. HE DOESN'T WANT AN ANSWER - HE WANTS A FIGHT. That's part of what she calls Reality I and Reality II. In r-two, the victim thinks on a rational level, in a world where there are rational questions and rational answers. In r-one, the abuser couldn't care less about that. He just wants to make his accusation and then bring an end to the conversation. When you respond by trying to explain, in his mind he has won the round. So she wants to show the victim a new and improved way of responding that will NOT allow him to win the round.

This "Reality I and Reality II" business is fascinating. These are two distinct ways of viewing the world. Abuse victims live in r-two, which is really a good place, although it might be construed as a dream world. In this reality, communication is a two-way street, and people actually discuss things in a grownup fashion, rather than talking AT each other and demanding complete compliance without question. In a truly healthy relationship, this reality is the real world. In the abusive relationship, it is only a dream.

Reality I is where the abuser lives. In his reality, he must try to exert his Power Over the victim, by whatever means he can. The reason for this is because in his mind, there is no other scenario.

The problem is this: when a victim lives in r-two, and the abuser lives in r-one, she is deluding herself into thinking that they are BOTH in r-two (which is where they would be in a healthy relationship), so she talks to him as if he is also in r-two. She answers his idiotic questions as if he wants to hear the answer. She responds to his behavior as though he is willing to listen to her. THAT is where she is making the mistake. Since he lives in the lalaland of r-one, he not only doesn't hear what she's saying, he will deny that she even EXISTS. Can you believe that? Of course you can, because you are experiencing it every day.

You need to read the book, because Mrs. Evans explains it so much better than I can. The thing is, once you read and understand what she is trying to say, it makes perfect sense. You too will say "she's been looking in my windows!" and you will be amazed. Most public libraries carry it (and her second one, "Survivors Speak Out". It can be purchased through amazon.com or at Barnes and Noble, or at any major bookstore for about $12 in paperback. Sometimes you can even hit the second-hand stores and find it. But be sure to get it somehow. It will help more than anything I can tell you here.

Email me if you have any questions, or please feel free to start a discussion about this article.

May you find peace

Laura Wilkinson: At "37-again," I am happily divorced from an abuser and living with a wonderful, loving man who loves me and would never do those horrible things to me. I try every day to help others out of their abusive situations by telling my story and showing them that no matter what they have been told, they CAN survive outside the relationship, that they DO NOT have to accept abuse, and that they DO deserve to be loved and respected.  Laura is the contributing Editor of "Verbal/Emotional Abuse" at Suite101.com.

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